"Sheila Ganz, the filmmaker, is a birthmother and an artist with an inclusive,
compassionate view of adoption from every angle. The audience at the West Coast premiere
last Friday, November 7, 2003, was as diverse, as the people in the film. It’s really
rare for adult adoptees, adoptive parents, and birth parents to come together like that,
with compassion and understanding and empathy. Everybody was on the same page. 'That is my
vision,' Sheila told me afterwards.
'I want a real adoption community, one that includes everybody.' She accomplished that
last Friday night, for sure.
Eight of the people in Sheila’s film were there for the Q&A afterward, which
was very moving as well as informative. Many of them were 8-10 years older than they were
when Sheila filmed them, so they were looking back over the past decade at a film in which
they looked back on even earlier years of childhood. Martin, the African American adoptee
in the film, is now in his mid-thirties and both his wife and 2-year-old son were there.
Made me think about how time really does fly when you’re raising a kid. Before we
know it, our children will be out in the world. What will it be like for them?
For those of us in the cozy world of China adoption, it’s really important to
start expanding our adoption community. There’s so much to learn from people who have
been down this road before us. We think we are so different, but we really aren’t.
The adoptive parents in Sheila’s film were no more isolated than most of us are as
our kids approach adolescence. We tend to listen most to families exactly like ours, with
fairly young children. As my daughter approaches adolescence, it is ever clearer to me
that I need role models as much as she does. I’ve certainly never parented an adopted
teen before.
The most heartening thing is that despite the challenges every one of those families in
the film faced, most of them worked through the issues and are now closer than ever as
adoptive families. But it took a lot of work, because issues were not dealt with during
childhood or the teen years, when adoptive parents tend not to push the envelope, assuming
that if their kids say they’re OK about adoption and don’t bring up any
problems, then all is well. Often deep underneath, identity is very shaky. Every adoptee
who spoke Friday night talked about how he or she didn’t bring up feelings about
adoption, abandonment, or birthparents when they were kids or teens because they
didn’t want to hurt their adoptive parents. And it makes sense. Every adopted child
has lost at least one family. Why would they risk losing another?
We are the ones who have to keep that door open, even when our kids tell us not to
worry. The oldest FCC kids are at the age when they want to be like everyone else, and
they’re likely to put a huge amount of energy into minimizing differences. Adoption
makes them different from most of their peers. But that difference doesn’t go away by
letting children take the lead if they lead us and themselves into silence. Adoptive
families have gone that route before, and it’s a very hard road later on. I learned
so much on Friday night, above all the good news that families who work through the issues
stayed close or at least returned to closeness after a period of separation. And I also
saw that Sheila’s vision is possible, at least occasionally. We are all in this
together--domestic and international adoptions, birthparents, adoptees, and adoptive
parents--and we can support each other and learn from each other. And if we do, maybe our
kids will have an easier road."
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© 2008 Sheila Ganz